


Top Dollar Comedy

by Birdschach



Category: Watchmen - All Media Types
Genre: Eddie is the only one genderbent, Edie is underage, F/M, Rule 63, Vaginal Sex, dollar bill's casual sexism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-20 05:35:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5993451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Birdschach/pseuds/Birdschach
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dollar Bill and the Comedian get paired up for patrol, but things don't go quite to expectation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Top Dollar Comedy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WattStalf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WattStalf/gifts).



> Me and my fiance were talking about crack ships and both decided to write a story based off a similar prompt. I also sort of wrote this as a present to her for Valentine's Day, so I included some of her tamer kinks. The title is a joke, I swear.

"Hey there, little lady," the ridiculously franchised hero said, as he approached Edith Blake. "Seems ol' Captain Metropolis paired you and me up for patrol today."  
  
"So what? Not like that means anythin'," Edie replied, "And who the hell are you callin' little lady? Just because I'm a girl, doesn't mean I couldn't kick your ass 5 times over."  
  
"Didn't your mom ever teach you cursing isn't ladylike?"  
  
"Who said I want to be a lady, anyway? That whole fuckin' scene, cooking dinner, keeping the house clean, gettin' the kids off to school. You think any of that sounds like my kind of life?"  
  
"Well, yeah, this whole hero thing is just a phase, obviously. Some day you'll settle down, and be a proper woman."  
  
At this, Edie doubled over laughing, unable to keep her composure from the sheer hilarity of it.   
  
"Why's that so funny, little lady?" he asked, a smirk playing across Dollar Bill's face, knowing how much she hated being called that.   
  
And as she growled, slamming him against the wall more furiously than most of the criminals he fought, the smirk vanished.  
  
"What. Did I say. About calling me that?" she hissed through clenched teeth. Though it appeared she was smiling, the deranged look in her eyes smothered all traces of mirth or happiness.   
  
"Whoa, Edie, calm down. I thought you of all people could take a joke. Geez, all these attitude problems are the reason nobody likes you..." Bill said, shoving her off of him.  
  
"What do ya mean nobody likes me? I'm the fucking best, everybody likes me."  
  
"Ha, yeah, if pretending you're good company to keep you from lashing out is liking you, then sure. Point is, you're brash, obnoxious, and borderline dangerous. Metropolis paired me with you because he thought I could handle it, that my teamwork experience from my football days would help, but I'm starting to think you just can't handle being part of a team."   
  
"What...what are ya sayin'? Ya think you know how a team works? With your flashy, bank paid costume? You're not even a real fuckin' hero, let alone a good teammate. I'm the best fuckin' one of ya, I don't care if ya all hate me!"  
  
"I didn't choose my aesthetic, my costume was designed for me."  
  
"Exactly my point, Bill. And what's a Kansas boy like you doin' using such big words?"  
  
"Well, I guess we're not in Kansas anymore, are we?" Bill joked, eliciting more raucous laughter from Edie.   
  
"Hey, that was actually pretty good there. Maybe this team up might not be so bad after all..." Edie mused.  
  
"That's the spirit, Edie. We'll make a great team, and don't worry, I'll protect you from any of those nasty criminals."  
  
Instantly, the smile faded away. Before Bill could do anything to defend himself, Edie was upon him, landing a flurry of blows on his chest and face.  
  
"Protect ME, huh? You can't even protect yourself! Where do you get off, acting like I need your help, when I can get the drop on ya so eas-" Edie's rant ended as Bill's powerful right hook slammed into her jaw, a sickening crunch as loud as thunder filling the otherwise silent room. As the adrenaline wore down, and Bill realized what he had done, consumed by rage and his self-defensive instincts, he stammered.  
  
"I...uh...I'm sorry, Edie. I..." But before he could finish, she had regained her feet. Powered now by some previously unkown inner passion, Edie rushed towards him again. But as he took a defensive stance, he was surprised by her method of attack, one for which he had no plan; a clumsy kiss. Edie pulled away, blushing furiously, and before Bill took much time to consider his actions, consider who he was with, or even consider her young age, he took her by the neck and kissed her back, passionately and sensually, making her clumsy attempt at a first kiss seem pathetic in comparison.   
  
"So, if nobody likes me, why're you so eager to kiss me, huh, Bill?" Edie said, smiling her most sadistic smile as he pulled back. "I never thought you'd have the balls to hit a lady, or I'd've hunted ya down a long time ago."   
  
"What? What kind of fucked up girl are you? You want me to hit you? I just lost control, you were attacking me. It was all reflex, I'd never hit you."  
  
"Yeah? I bet ya never thought you'd kiss me either, but ya kissed back. Never forget that you could a just let that go, but nah, ya had to kiss back." she said, that smile returned to her face, bigger and more mocking than ever before. "As for your question, I know I'm pretty fucked up. I got a lot of things I wish I could do to Sally, don't even get me started on her."   
  
"But, she's a woman. Why would you want to do anything to her?"  
  
"You're not too smart, are ya, Bill? I guess I kinda got a thing for chicks too." Edie said, shrugging nonchalantly. "I guess you could say I play for both teams, if that helps a sports guy like you get it."  
  
"But, that's wrong. You can't just..."  
  
"Can't what? Be gay? Well I'm bi, to clarify, but still. I'm not the only one on the team that is, Bill. Maybe you should pay more attention to your 'friends'. All those minutemen that you DO like."  
  
"You're wrong. You're also hopeless, let's just get this patrol over with."  
  
~X~  
  
As the two patrolled, their minds wandered. It seemed to be a quiet night, with very little action to speak of. With nothing to distract them, Edie and Bill were left with their thoughts. Edie couldn't help but dwell on the feeling that swelled within her when Bill lost his temper; she had known she felt a certain thrill during violent encounters, but it was different when it was personal, a direct attack from someone she knew.  
  
The warmth between her legs was hard to ignore, as each second spent dwelling upon it seemed to magnify the feeling. Bill, however, was trying desperately to fight his own feelings, and convince himself that their kiss had meant nothing. She was deranged, and he had only followed up due to shock, and confusion. The hard-on that followed it, luckily unnoticed meant nothing.  
  
Eventually, as the two dwelled in silence through the majority of the night, they came upon some unexpected action. As they neared a street corner, the unmistakable sound of a shattered store front broke their concentration. Pausing only for a brief glance at each other, they broke into a run and rounded the corner.   
  
They saw a group of common thugs, who had broken the storefront of an upscale jeweler, and were trying to haul all they could into their waiting getaway car. At the sight of the two heroes, the driver decided the jewels they had already loaded up were enough, and immediately fled the scene, tires screeching as his former friends shouted insults at him.   
  
"Don't worry, Edie, you hang back, and I'll take these guys down in no time!" Bill exclaimed, his chivalrous nature making yet another strong showing.   
  
"Like hell ya will, buddy. These bastards are mine." Edie retorted, already charging them.  Bill was stunned for a moment, but before too long he was only a few steps behind her as they reached the storefront, and engaged the abandoned thugs.   
  
The thugs didn't stand a chance. Edie and Bill were two of the strongest of the Minutemen, relying on their strength more than strategy or intellect, with Hooded Justice being the only member who could overpower them. But each time Edie would target a specific thief, Bill would be there, trying to protect her from any blows, even the attacks she could easily dodge or block.   
  
Frequently, all this would earn the chivalrous hero was an "accidental" hit from Edie as she targeted their enemy. But as this happened more and more, until eventually all the thugs were unconscious, Edie kept going. She attacked Bill, landing punch after punch on his blocking arms.   
  
"Ya still wanna protect me? Can't even protect yourself, Bill, what the hell can you do to help me?" Edie asked, that sadistic grin Bill was quickly getting used to twisting her features once more. Finally, after what felt like an eternity of Edie's flurried punches, Bill snapped. Just as before, his powerful right hook knocked Edie's head to the side, leaving her ears ringing and her vision spotty.   
  
Bill had backed up against the wall within the store, with no more room to retreat. "Oh, I'm sorry Edie, I just...I can only take so much." Bill explained.  
  
Edie looked up at him, her cheek already red, and smirked. "Ya think that's not exactly what I wanted, buddy?" she asked. Before Bill could respond, Edie lept towards him, and their combined weight smashed against the wall. Neither Edie nor Bill had paid much attention to the wall, both of them quite preoccupied, so when the door opened inward, revealing an unlit room, both were shocked. And then they hit the floor, a tangled pile of limbs and bodies, with Bill's cape causing nothing but trouble.  
  
As they stood, their eyes adjusted to the light of the room. And they both noticed the couch along the far wall at the same time. With a sidelong glance, Edie asked; "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin', pal?"  
  
"As much as I hate the thought of it...yes." Bill answered. He wanted Edie desperately, and didn't think he could wait for anything more desirable. Sure, the headquarters, or either one of their apartments, would have inevitably been better. But the couch was here. He was hard now. Edie was here. And he could tell by the hungry look in her eyes that she wanted him too.  
  
This desire for Bill was a cause of great confusion in Edie. She hated him, didn't she? Then why did her body betray her by wanting him so damn fiercely? The young girl had no precedent for this feeling. She did at times hate Sally, but most of that was just her fighting against her feelings. With Bill, she knew she despised him. He was cocky, brash, and constantly tried to tell her how to live her life, or, somehow worse, tried to protect her.   
  
What the hell. She thought. None of this fuckin' matters anyway.  
  
"Then let's quit talkin', and get down to business." Edie said, slowly working the zipper of her costume, as she stared Bill in the eyes. She was almost entirely disrobed by the time he had made any move to remove his bulky costume.   
  
Seeing him struggle out of it amused Edie, and she chuckled at his valiant efforts. Finally, she walked over to him, and began to help him undress, though she couldn't stop herself from laughing. Despite knowing the costume wasn't his choice, she still thought it was ridiculous. Why let someone else choose such an impractical costume?   
  
But once he was out of it, her laughter stopped. It seemed his brief stint as an athlete, followed by his training to be Dollar Bill had given him a great body. Edie felt the heat between her legs swelling, and knew she had to have him.   
  
As Bill looked into her eyes, and saw the hunger within, followed by a quick once over of her thin but toned body, he felt himself getting incredibly hard. Before he could make a move, however, Edie shoved him down onto the break room's couch, kissing him passionately all the way down.   
  
As they landed on the couch, each reveling in the other's warmth, and exploring each other's bodies, they found they could scarcely resist each other.   
  
"Are you sure you're ready, Edie?" Bill asked, during a brief pause in their kissing.   
  
"Fuck yeah, I'm ready." Edie said. "I've done this plenty of times, why don't ya take the lead?" she lied, hoping she could trick Bill into taking care of things. Truth be told, this was her first time. While she had never thought it'd be with Bill of all people, she couldn't exactly calm herself and walk away just because she was a little nervous. She was the fuckin' Comedian, damn it. How could she take something seriously?   
  
Bill was much too aroused to notice Edie's apprehension, and pressed the tip of his cock against her entrance. Edie shuddered, the pleasure wholly new to her, yet greater than anything she had managed on her own. Then, Bill placed his hands on her hips, getting a good grip on her, and thrusted himself up into her tight cunt.   
  
With all of Bill inside of her so suddenly, Edie couldn't suppress a gasp of pain. He was not a small man, in any regard, and Edie had had nothing more than her finger inside of her. Bill had no idea it was her first time, no way of knowing he should be gentle, and while he was never a rough man, it was painfully obvious to Edie that he wasn't fucking her as gently as a man should fuck a virgin.   
  
And she loved it. Sure, it hurt, in a very different way than anything she'd felt before, but since when did she let a little pain slow her down? Once she really thought about it, and Bill's rhythmic thrusts became gradually less painful and more, wonderfully, wonderfully present, she couldn't help but laugh. Bill was taking her virginity, and he didn't even know it. How hilarious was that?   
  
As she laughed harder and harder, and Bill fucked her faster and faster, she was finally near climax. Around this time, Bill asked her; "Why are you laughing, Edie?"  
  
"Because!" she started to answer, forcing her words out between fits of laughter that seemed to be part moan as well. "This was my first time, pal. Ya just took my fuckin' virginity!"   
  
The idea thrilled Bill. He had already been nearing his own climax, but he suspected Edie might be laughing at his expense, which put a bit of a damper on things. Discovering that it was not only him she was laughing at, but a scenario he f thought was incredibly hot was enough to push him over the edge.   
  
The former athlete moaned deeply as he came, firing his load deep into her pussy. And hearing Bill lose himself in orgasm, and feeling his hot come inside of her, she came as well. For a moment, both went silent, as they tried to catch their breath.   
  
Finally, Edie spoke: "Ha, ya ain't half bad, pal. Ya coulda hit me more, but ya know, whatever. Still had a blast, as ya can see." She began suiting back up, and Bill followed her lead.   
  
"But, Edie, we didn't...I...what if you get pregnant?" he asked, once they were each halfway dressed.   
  
"What if I fuckin' do? This was my choice, I wanted this. So let me deal with it."  
  
"Edie, you're being unreasonable, I just...with what we did, I really think we should get married."  
  
And Edie started to laugh. And as she finished zipping her costume, and walked out of the break room, then the store, with Bill yammering at her heels, all she could do was keep on laughing. 

**Author's Note:**

> Cash rules everything around me, CREAM, get da money, dolla dolla bill y'all.


End file.
